


Nothing Mattered

by KirinAma



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Pre-Slash, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2013-10-06
Packaged: 2017-12-28 15:30:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/993554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KirinAma/pseuds/KirinAma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it is only when you fail that you realize the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing Mattered

**Author's Note:**

> Spoiler for Chapter 50. Unbeta'd currently, I will come and clean up if too incoherent later.

Armin had faced death that day and somehow walked away from the confrontation still breathing. And he was angry. He felt oddly cheated. For all of his talk about survival, and resolution of doing whatever was necessary to ensure the victory for the rest of humanity. When that resolve was finally tested; a moment where he had no choice at all but to give up his humanity and turn his back on someone he cared for the greater good...he didn't even think, not even a damn moment of pause to slow his horse, just a frantic uncalculated dive.

He was prepared to leave Mikasa and Eren to their devices. They were like his arms and legs, halves of his heart. His faith in them, and their uncanny capability to pull themselves away from hopeless situations was why he was so resolved to bury his heart. He would learn to do the cold and heartless things that _needed to be done_ so they wouldn't have to it. He was prepared to be hated. To be alone. At least that was what he believed before he found himself on the ground with only a sword in hand, an unconscious Jean, and titans closing in.

Armin had jumped blindly into danger, to an all but guaranteed gruesome end, because Jean was too distracted by Eren and Mikasa's peril to care for himself. If only Jean had listened, or just been more aware of what was going on around him, none of that would have happened. And Armin was extremely angry at Jean. Jean was a better soldier than that. He could have gotten out of the way. 

Armin should have kept going, besides there was no guarantee Jean was still alive, he could have grabbed Hannes' horse and gotten Eren and Mikasa away from that varient. That was the plan his mind had committed to, but instead he found himself on the ground. Heaven forgive him he was ready to die, possibly denying his closest friends a means of escape, and not regretting it.

Nothing mattered. Like a child throwing a tantrum at the thought that losing this one thing meant the end to everything. Was it when Armin had confided to Jean about the man he had aspired to be when it happened? When did Armin begin to trust him enough to confide the darkest part of himself anyway? When did that asshole get so entitled to a part? Between Mikasa and Eren, there really wasn't much else to share. So then why, when everything was on the line, losing Jean meant losing everything?

"Oi, Armin." Jean's voice broke through Armin's angry brooding. The room was dark, Armin was too busy stewing over the day's events to light a candle after the sun set, he was too surprised that the first thought to cross Jean's mind when returning to consciousness in a darkened room was that Armin was with him to speak. "If you tell me you put yourself in peril so Eren could pull another miracle out of his ass, I'll feel better."

"That's not...what a horrible joke." Armin should still be angry, was trying to cling to that anger he had been waiting to vent at Jean, but he laughed. How could he not? Jean did have his way of daring to speak absurd truths, and those words were as likely true as they were not. Damn him, Armin was smiling.

"We're alive somehow." Jean pointed out as he gingerly propped himself into a seated position. "So what happened?"

"Almost exactly how you guessed. Except when I jumped off my horse, I-" Armin paused as he stumbled around in his mind for the right words.

"Couldn't bear to live without me?" Jean chimed in. Armin could practically hear the cheeky grin on Jean's face.

"I wouldn't say it like that." Armin was trying in earnest not to say those exact words.

"I would, and I am." Jean sounded way too smug for someone who got blindsided by a titan. "You jumped off your horse on open ground surrounded by titans. As everyone knows, that is suicide. To get me, who was good as dead, that is beyond stupid. Doesn't make much sense otherwise...I'm flattered."

"This is why you don't have many friends." Armin grumbled even through he felt Jean grab his wrist and tug him closer to the bed.

"I don't need many. I have what I need." Jean's arms went around Armin's waist and pulled him into an embrace. "Thank you."


End file.
